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The Side-Eye

An Americanist Side-Eye: From Mueller Footnotes to White House Gold Bars

by Carol Marks

Another week, another batch of headlines that make you stop mid-scroll and mutter, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

From corrections to the infamous Mueller report footnotes, to New York City spending billions on hotel rooms, to Kurt Russell calmly refusing to apologize for living like an actual outdoorsman, the news cycle continues to deliver material that practically writes the jokes itself.

So let’s take a look at a few stories that earned a raised eyebrow this week.

DOJ Quietly Corrects Mueller Report’s Infamous “Golden Showers” Footnote

Seven years later, the Justice Department has quietly issued the first ever correction to the Mueller report, specifically the footnote tied to the now infamous “golden showers” allegation from the Steele dossier.

Yes. That rumor. The one breathlessly discussed on cable news for months while commentators nodded gravely as if they were analyzing nuclear policy.

Now the government is quietly acknowledging that the information tied to that claim was unreliable. No dramatic press conference. No primetime apology tour. Just a quiet little correction tucked into the record.

Funny how that works. When the story first broke, it dominated headlines and panel discussions across the media ecosystem. When the correction arrives years later, it slips out the back door like someone hoping nobody notices.

Almost as if the original rumor was more useful than the truth.

“Lobstergate” Exposes the Media’s Cultural Blind Spots

Every so often the media finds a way to accidentally reveal just how insulated it really is from the rest of the country. This week’s example involves what some pundits dubbed “Lobstergate.”

Television commentators managed to turn a perfectly normal American food moment into a cultural controversy, largely because many of them seemed baffled that regular people outside Manhattan or Washington might actually enjoy lobster without needing a lecture about class privilege.

Watching the reaction unfold felt like witnessing anthropologists discovering a new tribe. Look! The locals appear to be eating seafood! How fascinating!

Thankfully Joey Jones had a response for the elitist media.

The episode served as a reminder that many of the voices lecturing the public about everyday life appear to have only the vaguest idea what everyday life actually looks like.

Kentucky Mom and Daughter Refuse Mysterious Multimillion Dollar Offer

A Kentucky mother and daughter say they have repeatedly turned down a mysterious multimillion dollar offer from a Fortune 100 company that wants their property.

And no, they still do not know exactly why the company wants it so badly.

In an era where corporate buyouts usually steamroll small property owners, the story stands out simply because the answer was “no.” Repeatedly.

There is something oddly refreshing about watching two people look at a huge pile of money and say, essentially, “We’re good.”

Meanwhile somewhere in a corporate boardroom, executives are staring at a map wondering why the one parcel they desperately want belongs to people who refuse to budge.

New York City Will Spend $1.86 Billion to House Homeless in Hotels

New York City has signed a $1.86 billion contract to keep housing homeless individuals in hotels. After years of using hotels to house migrants, New York has decided to keep the arrangement going. The only change is who’s checking in.

Yes. Billion. With a B.

At this point the city is spending so much on temporary hotel housing that it is fair to wonder whether it might have been cheaper to simply build housing in the first place.

But that would require long-term planning, zoning fights, and political patience. Much easier to keep renting hotel rooms and letting the bill grow while officials assure everyone they are “addressing the crisis.”

Somewhere a Marriott executive is probably toasting city hall.

Kurt Russell Refuses to Apologize for Hunting

Actor Kurt Russell caused a small internet storm after calmly explaining that he still hunts and lives a traditional outdoors lifestyle.

His response to critics was refreshingly simple: he is not apologizing.

In the modern celebrity ecosystem, this qualifies as borderline rebellious behavior. Normally the script requires a lengthy social media apology followed by a reflective interview about “learning and growing.”

Instead Russell basically shrugged and continued living his life.

Somewhere publicists across Hollywood felt a disturbance in the force.

NYC Bartenders Reveal Their St. Patrick’s Day Drink Secrets

Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day, New York bartenders are sharing their secrets for making the perfect holiday drinks.

The advice ranges from proper Guinness pours to creative Irish whiskey cocktails designed to help revelers survive what is traditionally one of the rowdiest weekends of the year.

Of course, longtime St. Patrick’s Day veterans already know the real secret: pacing yourself.

Or ignoring that advice entirely and waking up the next morning wondering why the world suddenly feels louder than usual.

Why Were Massive Gold Bars Spotted at the White House?

Perhaps the strangest headline of the week involves reports that a cart filled with massive gold bars was spotted inside the White House.

Naturally, the internet immediately began speculating. Was it part of a financial demonstration? A ceremonial event? A prop for some kind of economic announcement?

Or was someone just rolling around the national equivalent of a pirate treasure chest?

Whatever the explanation turns out to be, one thing is certain: if you want Americans to start asking questions, simply wheel a pile of gold through a government building.

That’s this week’s Side-Eye.

Enjoy the weekend, keep your eyebrow raised, and remember: sometimes the strangest part of the news is that it is not satire.

— Carol

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