Welcome to An Americanist’s Side-Eye —your weekly roundup of headlines that practically beg for a sarcastic slow-blink. I’ll skim the latest absurdities, flag the nonsense, and toss in a few sharp jabs where they’re deserved. No hysteria, no moral preening—just one woman’s commentary on the circus we keep pretending is normal. Because, of course, they did.
Steve Bannon Wants to Deport Elon Musk
Former White House official Steve Bannon urged President Trump on Thursday to investigate Elon Musk’s immigration status, deport him “immediately” and “seize” his company SpaceX, amid the war of words between the world’s richest man and the commander-in-chief. – New York Post
No matter what is going on, leave it to Steve Bannon to say the most commie shit possible. https://t.co/EyBIlUKD0O
— Ordnance Jay Packard Esq. (@OrdnancePackard) June 5, 2025
🧨Because nothing says “America First” like throwing out the guy who builds our rockets and memes. Bannon’s strong belief? Elon is an illegal alien. Which tracks—he’s definitely not from this planet.
Stephen A. Smith: Still Yelling, Still Unoriginal
SiriusXM officially parted ways with Beadle and Cody Decker of the “Beadle and Decker” radio show on Thursday, according to The Athletic on Thursday. – New York Post
🎤Michelle Beadle got the axe from SiriusXM and somehow it circles back to Stephen A. Smith, a man whose entire brand is yelling things other people already said, but louder and sweatier. Maybe next week he’ll discover a new emotion. Or a mute button.
Douglas Murray, Take the Mic
Why do parts of the left and the media keep asking for sympathy in all the wrong places?
In recent months we have had to put up with crazed activists like Taylor Lorenz claiming that Luigi Mangione is a “revolutionary” and a “morally good man” because she finds him “handsome.” – New York Post
🔥 Finally, someone said it out loud: The Left isn’t just glamorizing lunatics and criminals—they’re canonizing them. Saint George, Patron of Riots. Saint Hamas, Keeper of Campus Protests. But sure, we’re the extremists.
Brooke Shields Is Playing Favorites—With Just Cause
Brooke Shields candidly admitted that only her younger daughter, Grier Henchy, will inherit her jewelry collection when she passes away.
The “Blue Lagoon” star shared that the 19-year-old “understands” the value — while her older daughter, Rowan Henchy, 22, “has lost every piece [she’s] ever given her.” – Page Six
💎 Brooke’s already decided: one daughter gets the jewels, the other gets… good intentions. Why? Because the older one has a history of misplacing them. So Brooke isn’t being cruel—just practical. Call it estate planning with a side of “actions have consequences.”
China Tried to Smuggle In Crop-Killing Fungus
Chinese researcher in alleged plot to smuggle crop-killing fungus into US will remain in custody while seeking private counsel. – New York Post
☣️ Because if fentanyl, spy balloons, and TikTok weren’t enough—now they’re going after the wheat. What’s next? Weaponized soybeans?
Diddy Trial: Every Update More Disgusting Than the Last
Sean “Diddy” Combs’ last girlfriend, a “Jane Doe” who dated him up until his arrest in September 2024 and says he brutally beat her and forced her to have unprotected sex with strangers, took the stand Thursday in the bombshell sex-trafficking case against him. – New York Post
🤮 We’d say “you can’t make this up,” but apparently Diddy did. And recorded it. And paid for NDAs. America’s music industry: where Epstein-style behavior gets a remix.
And that’s it for this week’s Americanist’s Side-Eye and quite frankly, isn’t that enough? Don’t you feel like you need a shower now? Ick.
