Welcome to The Americanist’s Side-Eye – Volume I—your weekly roundup of headlines that practically beg for a sarcastic slow-blink. I’ll skim the latest absurdities, flag the nonsense, and toss in a few sharp jabs where they’re deserved. No hysteria, no moral preening—just one woman’s commentary on the circus we keep pretending is normal. Because of course they did.
🍹 Diplomatic Happy Hour: Senator Van Hollen’s Margarita Diplomacy
In a move that redefines “optics,” Senator Chris Van Hollen was spotted sipping margaritas in El Salvador with Kilmar Abrego Garcia—an alleged MS-13 member. The senator claims he was there to advocate for Garcia’s return to the U.S., but let’s not pretend this looked like anything but a tone-deaf PR disaster. Perhaps next time, stick to coffee. Or better yet, stay home, do the will of your constituents, and try not to act like a blasphemous traitor.
today’s out of context quotes
“…he’s here il-LEGAL-ly…there you go…”
~@_Americanist_QotD: If you were on trial for being a Christian,
would there be enough evidence to convict you?no answers needed, i just ask you to reflect upon it.https://t.co/iu3D2R8Wba
— giblets⚡ (@hawgasm) April 18, 2025
🏈 The Belichick Experiment: North Carolina’s Buyer’s Remorse?
Bill Belichick’s time in Carolina is already hitting turbulence—and we’re not even out of spring workouts. Reports say the team’s not loving the Belichick Experience, which apparently includes gruff silence, stone-faced stares, and bringing his 24-year-old girlfriend along for the ride like it’s a reality show nobody asked for. Morale issues? Shocker. It’s almost like a 70-something man dating someone younger than his wide receivers might not be the inspirational leadership the Panthers were craving. Maybe the next team meeting can be held at a juice bar or TikTok studio—just to make her feel included. – New York Post
🇮🇹 Tariff Tango: Meloni’s Mission to Washington
Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni’s visit to the U.S. aimed to ease tensions over impending tariffs. With the European Union and the U.S. on the brink of a trade war, Meloni’s diplomatic efforts are a high-stakes dance to prevent economic fallout. Let’s hope this tango doesn’t end with stepped-on toes.
🚦 Tech Bro Crosswalks: Hacked by Nerds, Voiced by Billionaires
In what can only be described as the nerdiest rebellion ever, hackers took over crosswalk signals in cities like Seattle and Palo Alto and replaced them with AI-generated voices of Musk, Zuckerberg, and Bezos. Because if you’re going to break the law, why not do it with maximum cringe? Nothing screams “public safety” like being told when to walk by men who haven’t touched a sidewalk in a decade. Elon’s probably too busy plotting Mars, Zuck’s still buffering in the metaverse, and Bezos? He’d charge you a Prime fee just to cross. It’s the dystopian tech overlord cameo no one asked for—but of course, here we are. - Geek Wire
🚀 Blue Origin’s Celebrity Spaceflight: Not Quite Astronauts
Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy did the unthinkable—he told the truth. In a move bound to ruffle some feathered space suits, he reminded everyone that just because you floated for 11 minutes in a Blue Origin capsule doesn’t mean you’re an astronaut. Sorry, Katy. Sorry, Gayle. Taking a joyride on a glorified space elevator doesn’t put you in the same league as folks who spacewalk, dock, and risk their lives in orbit. But hey—at least the zero-gravity selfies looked great on Instagram. – Red State
🎤 Bernie & AOC’s Anti-Oligarchy Tour: Pandering in a Theater Near You
Just when you thought political theater couldn’t get more predictable, Bernie Sanders and AOC hit the road with their Anti-Oligarchy Tour—because nothing says “stick it to the elites” like $25 tickets and merch tables. Former adviser Nina Turner called them out for catering to white liberals, which is basically like saying water is wet. Progressives eating their own? Of course they are. It’s not a movement unless someone’s accusing someone else of being insufficiently woke. – New York Post
From the home of the brave opinion – see you next round.
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