Welcome to An Americanist’s Side-Eye —your weekly roundup of headlines that practically beg for a sarcastic slow-blink. I’ll skim the latest absurdities, flag the nonsense, and toss in a few sharp jabs where they’re deserved. No hysteria, no moral preening—just one woman’s commentary on the circus we keep pretending is normal. Because of course they did.
🚨 An Americanist’s Side-Eye Dispatch 003: From Satellites to Swamp Creatures
🗓️ Trump Declares May 8 as WWII Victory Day
Cue liberal historians scrambling to remind you which part of World War II he’s talking about, while normal Americans nod along like: “Good. About time.” – Fox News
☄️ Soviet Satellite May Crash on Earth
Apparently, a Cold War relic is hurtling toward us and might survive reentry. The good news? Odds are low it’ll kill you. The bad news? It’s 2025, so go ahead and pencil in “cosmic scrap metal” on your apocalypse bingo card. – New York Post
The soon-to-reenter Soviet Cosmos 482 Venus probe is getting increased attention by satellite trackers – and new imagery provides some interesting details. https://t.co/kmf8yBnnMN
— SPACE.com (@SPACEdotcom) May 2, 2025
🎤 Bill Belichick’s Daughter-in-Law Shades Jordan Hudson, America’s Most Clueless Plus-One
Bill Belichick sat down for an interview with CBS, but Jordan Hudson—his 24-year-old “philosopher” girlfriend—couldn’t resist piping up like she was the one being profiled. She chimed in repeatedly with wide-eyed commentary, managing to say a lot without saying anything. Enter Belichick’s daughter-in-law, who dropped a not-so-subtle bomb on Instagram: “Success doesn’t always need to be broadcast.” Translation? Congrats, Jordan—you’re not just the girlfriend, you’re the punchline. Maybe let the grown-ups talk next time. – New York Post
💸 Adams Drops $115B “Best Budget Ever” Full of Election-Year Freebies
Mayor Eric Adams rolled out what he’s calling the “best budget ever,” and by “best” he clearly means most desperate. It’s a $115 billion sugar-high of freebies—free child care, free health care, free housing—all wrapped in shiny slogans and zero realism. You’d think the city wasn’t drowning in debt, overrun with crime, or bleeding residents by the thousands. But don’t worry, New Yorkers: rats, illegal ATVs, and every nonprofit with a DEI acronym are getting their slice. It’s less of a budget and more of a campaign flyer stapled to a pile of IOUs. – New York Times
🎓 Trump Mocks Trans Athletes at ‘Bama Commencement
Trump impersonated a dude pretending to be a girl while joking he’d be in trouble with Melania. That sound you heard was 47 journalists fainting in unison while Bama grads howled. Somewhere, a CNN anchor is demanding a federal investigation into comedy.
⛳ Tiger Woods to Friends: “I Don’t Care” About Dating Vanessa Trump
Tiger’s four-word response to critics of his rumored romance with Vanessa Trump? “I. Don’t. Care. Period.” Honestly, the man’s survived car crashes, scandals, and the PGA—he’s earned the right to ignore group chats.
This dispatch filed under Side-Eye
From the home of the brave opinion – see you next round.
