Welcome to An Americanist’s Side-Eye —your weekly roundup of headlines that practically beg for a sarcastic slow-blink. I’ll skim the latest absurdities, flag the nonsense, and toss in a few sharp jabs where they’re deserved. No hysteria, no moral preening—just one woman’s commentary on the circus we keep pretending is normal. Because of course they did.
🚨 An Americanist’s Side-Eye Dispatch 004: When the real news reads like rejected satire.
A weekly roundup of headlines that practically beg for an eye-roll. And supplied with actual quotes so you know we’re not making this nonsense up.
🏛️ POLITICS: Shouting, Shaming & Shenanigans
🔊 Tish James Gets Heckled: “Apologize to Donald Trump!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself. Apologize to Donald Trump!” yelled one fed-up New Yorker at the AG during a Bronx town hall. – Fox News
👉 And just like that, someone in New York finally said what the rest of America’s been thinking. Bonus points for doing it in her face instead of on X.
Tish James, I enjoyed every minute of this.
I hope you did too! pic.twitter.com/vMyNxvq2l9
— Deez Freedomz (@DeezFreedomz) May 9, 2025
🏳️⚧️ Pentagon Begins Removing Trans-Identifying Personnel
“This policy ensures that our armed forces remain focused on military readiness and unit cohesion,” a Pentagon spokesperson said. – The Guardian
👉 Translation: They’re finally admitting that war isn’t a pride parade. Turns out the battlefield doesn’t care about your pronouns.
⚖️ Judge Jeanine Pirro Named Interim U.S. Attorney for D.C.
“Jeanine is incredibly well qualified for this position, and is considered one of the Top District Attorneys in the History of the State of New York,” Trump posted on Truth Social. – New York Times
👉 The woman who used to prosecute criminals in heels—and then prosecute Democrats on primetime—is now running the most politically charged U.S. attorney’s office in the country. Washington, you’re not ready. And MSNBC might want to budget for a group therapist.
👠 Jasmine Crockett Loses It Over Women’s Sports Debate
“Y’all are trying to make sure that y’all can somehow attack people that are already struggling to be seen. This is a distraction from y’all’s demonic policies,” Crockett ranted during a House hearing. – Yahoo News
👉 Lady, the only demonic energy in that room was your meltdown. Nobody’s distracted—we just don’t want men taking trophies meant for girls. Simple as that.
😬 Fetterman’s Donors: “He’s Not Who We Thought He Was”
“We didn’t see him as someone who would call people jagoffs,” said a regretful Dem donor. – Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
👉 Really? He showed up to Congress looking like a disgruntled gas station manager and that didn’t tip you off?
📺 CULTURE: The Rot Beneath the Glitter
🎧 Diddy’s Sex Trafficking Trial Begins
“The charges include rape, sex trafficking, and the use of drugs and firearms to coerce victims.” – Reuters
👉 Remember when Diddy was selling vodka and shouting “Vote or Die”? Apparently, he chose the second option—just with a lot more felonies.
📺 BONUS SIDE-EYE: The Nerve Hits the Nail on the Head
If you’re not watching The Nerve on YouTube yet, now’s the time to fix that. Maureen Callahan—sharp, fearless, and refreshingly unfiltered—dives deep into stories the mainstream won’t touch without corporate permission slips. In her latest episode, she unpacks the Diddy allegations and the media’s selective silence with the precision of a scalpel and the tone of someone who’s had enough. Watch this before it mysteriously disappears from your recommendations:
🎸 Johnny Rotten Tells Rolling Stones to Retire Already
“By all means, The Rolling Stones should retire,” said 69-year-old John Lydon on Good Morning Britain. “I’m not short of a song idea or two, so there’s a difference.” – New York Post
👉 Ah yes, the punk icon formerly known as relevant is demanding the Stones call it quits—while he’s still out here auditioning for Eurovision and throwing shade on morning TV. Somebody’s a little salty the Stones are still selling out arenas while his last gig was in a bingo hall with good acoustics.
🧬 “Natural” Sperm Donor Fathers 190 Kids, Calls Himself ‘Poor Man’s Elon Musk
“Like Musk, I’m a very creative person. I feel I have to give back to the world, and this is my way: to be productive,” said Rob Albon, a 54-year-old man living in England. – New York Post
👉 Because nothing says “giving back” like bypassing medical ethics and fathering nearly 200 children through unregulated methods. If Elon Musk is colonizing Mars, this guy is overpopulating Earth—one awkward Facebook message at a time.
🧾 That’s your dispatch from the Americanist’s Side-Eye
Filed under: “You really can’t make this stuff up—but unfortunately, they already did.”
