Friday Side-Eye Roundup
🎰 Louisiana family misses $1B Powerball jackpot by one number, collects $150K instead
One number. That’s all that separated this Louisiana family from joining the billionaire class. Instead, they’re stuck with a “consolation prize” of $150,000. Now, most of us would happily take that payout and run to the bank, but you know this family is lying awake at night replaying the numbers like a bad breakup. Imagine Thanksgiving dinners for the next decade: “Remember when Grandma missed a billion by one?” If you listen closely, you can already hear Dave Ramsey screaming “pay off the mortgage!” while the rest of us are wondering which number they botched. Lottery heartbreak is the great equalizer—your odds are slim, but the pain of “so close” hits everyone the same.
🚗💦 South Carolina woman finds car ticketed multiple times after flash flooding floats car into tow-away zone
Talk about kicking someone when they’re down. A woman in South Carolina had her car swept away by floodwaters—already a nightmare—and when she finally tracked it down, the city had ticketed it multiple times for being in a tow-away zone. Yes, apparently her car should have politely asked the floodwaters to redirect it into legal parking. Bureaucrats don’t care if you’re dealing with a natural disaster; the meter maid army marches on. Somewhere, a city clerk is proudly high-fiving for hitting the month’s quota. If this doesn’t prove government sees citizens as walking ATMs, I don’t know what does. The woman should at least argue the city owes her for storing stormwater in their precious tow zone.
📚🤥 Malcolm Gladwell admits he lied about trans athletes because telling the truth destroyed careers
Malcolm Gladwell, the guy who once built his brand on “out of the box” thinking, now admits he flat-out lied about trans athletes because the truth “destroyed careers.” Translation: he decided protecting activist narratives mattered more than facts. Don’t you love how elites frame their cowardice as compassion? Meanwhile, women lose scholarships, girls lose medals, and parents lose faith in fairness. Gladwell still has his cushy gigs, podcast checks, and book sales. He sacrificed nothing. His excuse proves what many of us already know: the media and intellectual class care less about truth and more about avoiding angry mobs on social media. Integrity didn’t destroy his career—selling it out for woke brownie points kept it afloat.
Take the case of Malcolm Gladwell. The Canadian-born author has had most of the good fortune that life can bring. His received opinions have gained him lucrative positions at liberal publications. His books have become international bestsellers. In fact, many authors might look in envy at the fact that some airport bookshops seem to have a whole Malcolm Gladwell section.
His schtick might be to say banal things in ways that appear spicy and new. But he has made a very good career of it and been lauded by his peers.
Yet this week, he admitted that he is a coward. – New York Post, Douglas Murray
🗣️💥 JD Vance curses out senators after heated RFK Jr. hearing full of ‘s–t’
At RFK Jr.’s latest Senate hearing, JD Vance unleashed a tirade at senators. Honestly, good. The swamp thrives on polite lies and fake decorum. Sometimes a well-placed “this is bull—” cuts through better than a 20-page policy memo. Of course, the pearl-clutchers in D.C. will pretend this is unbecoming of a Vice President, but when you’ve got senators wasting taxpayer money on circus hearings, a little righteous anger feels refreshing. I’ll take blunt honesty and four-letter words over mealy-mouthed corruption any day.
When I see all these senators trying to lecture and “gotcha” Bobby Kennedy today all I can think is:
You all support off-label, untested, and irreversible hormonal “therapies” for children, mutilating our kids and enriching big pharma. You’re full of shit and everyone knows it.
— JD Vance (@JDVance) September 4, 2025
📺😭 Newsmax sues Fox: Crybaby Politics
Newsmax has filed a lawsuit against Fox News, accusing them of an “exclusionary scheme” that limits competition in conservative TV. Translation: Fox has bigger ratings, and Newsmax is throwing a tantrum instead of upping their game. Viewers don’t need another network whining about access; they want sharp programming and real analysis. If your strategy is to sue your way into relevance, you’ve already lost. Fox isn’t perfect (far from it), but Newsmax acting like a jilted lover just makes them look weak. Crybaby politics don’t build audiences; compelling content does. Maybe instead of lawyering up, they should consider producing shows people actually want to watch.
✈️🇺🇸 Trump announces Delta Air Lines will officially use ‘Gulf of America,’ finally embracing MAGA
Trump just announced that Delta Air Lines will begin referring to the Gulf of Mexico as the “Gulf of America.” Cue the predictable meltdowns from the Left. Geography has apparently gone MAGA. Here’s the thing: Americans already dominate the Gulf culturally, economically, and militarily. The rebrand isn’t going to change maps, but it does highlight how Trump knows how to drive his critics insane with the smallest moves. Expect Twitter academics to write 30-tweet threads about “colonialist cartography” while most travelers just shrug and wonder if Delta will start serving better snacks. Either way, Trump has once again proven he can control the narrative with a two-word tweak.
🍄😵 4 hikers rescued after suffering debilitating psychedelic mushroom high in Catskills
Four hikers in the Catskills had to be rescued after tripping—literally and figuratively—on psychedelic mushrooms. Nature hikes are supposed to be about fresh air, not hallucinating that the trees are speaking in Morse code. Rescuers had to carry them out after they were left debilitated, proving once again that taxpayer money is wasted on people who confuse hiking with Coachella. If you want to expand your consciousness, maybe start with a yoga class. The Catskills are rugged enough without adding psychedelic panic attacks to the emergency call sheet. Somewhere a park ranger is updating their handbook: “Beware bears, snakes, and blissed-out mushroom casualties.”
🚨🇺🇸 Georgia plant ICE raid: Hundreds arrested
Immigration officials arrested hundreds of workers in a Georgia plant raid this week. Predictably, Democrats will frame this as cruelty. But here’s the reality: sneaking into the country to work illegally isn’t compassion—it’s breaking the law. The real cruelty is flooding the labor market, undercutting wages, and exploiting desperate workers. Every time ICE does its job, the usual suspects scream “xenophobia,” but ordinary Americans know better. Borders matter, laws matter, and if companies are hiring people illegally, they should face the hammer, too. If we’re serious about restoring order, these raids shouldn’t be shocking headlines—they should be routine enforcement.
🗽🤡 Trump says he’d like to see two candidates drop from crowded New York mayoral race
The New York mayoral race has turned into a political clown car, and Trump is now suggesting two candidates drop out to make room for serious competition. He’s not wrong. The field looks more like an improv cast than a list of leaders. With Zohran Mamdani, Eric Adams, Andrew Cuomo, and whoever else jumps in, voters are being treated to a buffet of mediocrity. Trump’s call for a slimmer race isn’t about being nice—it’s about sharpening the fight. And not electing a Marxist. Right now, the candidates are tripping over each other for headlines while New Yorkers keep tripping over crime, trash, and failing services. Maybe fewer candidates would mean at least one could focus on fixing the actual city.
And that’s all, folks.
Another week, another pile of absurd headlines that prove America’s news cycle is one long comedy sketch with a tragic budget. From billion-dollar near misses and ticket-happy bureaucrats to Gladwell’s cowardice and Trump trolling the mapmakers, it’s a reminder that the circus never leaves town—it just changes costumes. The good news? We get to sit back, roll our eyes, and call it what it is: nonsense dressed up as news. Side-eye level: permanent.
Feature Image: Crreated in Canva Pro
What a week!!!!!!