It’s Side-Eye Friday. The headlines are doing what they always do—pushing, spinning, and occasionally drifting into the absurd. All that’s left to do is read them… and raise an eyebrow.
👽 Aliens, Secrets, and “You Can’t Handle the Truth”
Tim Burchett is back on his usual beat: aliens, secrecy, and vague warnings that would apparently keep the rest of us up at night.
According to him, the government knows things about extraterrestrial life that would deeply disturb Americans if we knew the full story.
NEW: Newsmax’s Rob Finnerty left speechless after Rep. Tim Burchett said if people saw what he has seen in relation to aliens, “it would’ve set the Earth on fire.”
Burchett also let viewers know that he is not “su*cidal.”
The comment came while Burchett was responding to Matt… pic.twitter.com/TxDowxB5kV
— Collin Rugg (@CollinRugg) April 2, 2026
Oh good. Nothing like a sitting congressman basically saying, “There’s something out there, I’ve seen it, but I’m not telling you what it is… sleep tight.”
At this point, this isn’t disclosure, it’s teaser-trailer politics. Either tell people what’s going on or stop dropping cryptic lines like it’s the season finale of a late-night cable show. The real question is whether the public would actually panic… or just shrug and go back to scrolling.
🚀 NASA Says Orange Is the New Black (Hole)
NASA rolled out the reasoning behind those bright orange spacesuits for Artemis II.
Turns out, it’s not a fashion statement. It’s about visibility, safety, and making sure astronauts can actually be found if something goes sideways.
Not everyone is impressed. Some would prefer a return to the classic white suits, as if NASA’s main concern here is keeping the look consistent. Of course, this from Greg Kelly. When he’s not railing on Pete Hegseth and telling him how to do his job, then he’s trying his hand at NASA fashion. Insert heavy eyeroll here, what a dweeb.
Hmmmm. I LOVE that we are (kinda) going back to the Moon. But I find the Orange Space Suits “underwhelming”—-SPACE SUITS Should be White! (like the Apollo guys on the right, 1969)-With Cool Tubes and Boots. Please Fix That for “Artemis Part 3” pic.twitter.com/c8HL1uXGdg
— Greg Kelly (@gregkellyusa) April 1, 2026
Which is comforting… but also slightly concerning that we’re designing outfits based on the assumption someone might need to be spotted floating in space like a traffic cone.
Still, credit where it’s due. At least NASA is thinking ahead. Meanwhile, the rest of us can’t even find our phone when it’s in our hand.
📱 TikTok Diagnosed Half the Country (Apparently)
Ah yes, TikTok — where every personality trait is one video away from becoming a diagnosis.
Now there’s a growing concern that people are convincing themselves they have autism based on viral content, rather than actual medical evaluations.
And look, nobody’s saying awareness is bad. But when “I don’t like loud noises” turns into “I must have a clinical condition,” we’ve officially crossed into self-diagnosis as a hobby.
TikTok’s convinced everyone they have autism — here’s what’s actually going on https://t.co/o4snAEdFBZ via @nypost
— Chris 🇺🇸 (@Chris_1791) April 3, 2026
This is what happens when complex medical issues get boiled down into 30-second clips with subtitles and background music. Somewhere, actual doctors are just quietly staring at the ceiling.
☕ Starbucks Wants Faster Smiles (and Will Pay You for It)
Starbucks has decided the solution to everything is… bonuses.
They’re offering baristas up to $1,200 if they work faster and act friendlier.
So basically: “Move quicker, smile bigger, here’s some cash.”
Starbucks will move to weekly pay for all U.S. store workers and roll out a program that adds bonuses and expands tips, it said on Thursday, as concerns persist over its stalled talks with the union representing some U.S. baristas. https://t.co/GZI3WYds98
— Reuters Legal (@ReutersLegal) April 2, 2026
It’s not exactly groundbreaking management theory, but it does raise a question. If friendliness can be turned on with a bonus check, was it ever real to begin with? Or are we just paying for better acting? And how are they going to track that?
Either way, expect your next latte to come with extra foam and a slightly more enthusiastic “Have a great day!” than usual.
If this is the mix heading into the weekend—aliens we can’t know about, astronauts dressed like highlighters, TikTok diagnosing the nation, and coffee shops gamifying human interaction—the side-eye isn’t optional. It’s survival. 😏
