Welcome to An Americanist’s Side-Eye —your weekly roundup of headlines that practically beg for a sarcastic slow-blink. I’ll skim the latest absurdities, flag the nonsense, and toss in a few sharp jabs where they’re deserved. No hysteria, no moral preening—just one woman’s commentary on the circus we keep pretending is normal. Because of course they did.
Gold-Plated Planes, Baby Food DNA, and the Tootsie Roll Trials
🧠 Trump’s “86 47” Comment Was an Assassination Call, Says James Comey
🔗 Breitbart
Side-Eye: James Comey, once America’s top G-man, now America’s most dramatic middle schooler, is out here arranging seashells like he’s auditioning for CSI: Delusion Unit. “86 47” is obviously a cryptic assassination command, and not, say, a bad Dad joke on a diner receipt. Someone take the decoder ring away before he calls in a drone strike on the Waffle House menu.
James Comey called for “47” to be “86’d” but then had the gall to pretend he didn’t know what 86 meant. You can’t be the Director of the FBI for 3+ years and pretend you didn’t know that a call to “86” someone is a call to kill them. You can’t credibly do that. Lock Comey up NOW! pic.twitter.com/WFeRRTMsZT
— Robby Starbuck (@robbystarbuck) May 16, 2025
💸 House Budget Committee Tanks Trump’s “Big, Beautiful” Bill
🔗 CNN
Side-Eye: Fiscal hawks just told Trump “no” like they caught him trying to charge a 24-karat toilet to their Costco card. When five Republicans band together to kill your budget over deficits, you know it must’ve been shinier than a Real Housewives reunion set. “Big and beautiful”? Sure. Also bloated and broke.
✈️ Trump’s Air Force One Redesign Is Basically Versailles With Wings
🔗 The Conversation
Side-Eye: They’re calling it a “flying palace,” but let’s be honest—it’s Trump Force One, complete with gold trim, mirrored ceilings, and probably a Diet Coke button next to the nuke codes. The only thing missing is a Mar-a-Lago golf simulator and a tanning bed set to “Chernobyl.” Liberals hate it, so it’s already a 10/10.
🍬 Diddy Accused of Assault—With a Tootsie Roll-Sized… You Know
🔗 Page Six
Side-Eye: The allegations are horrific, but Page Six really said journalism matters and led with… candy size. We’ve hit rock bottom, folks, and started digging. This lawsuit somehow manages to be tragic and tabloid trash. Diddy, if you ever had a legacy, it just went from “Bad Boy for Life” to “Lawsuit Lollipop.” Disgusting on every level.
🏈 Belichick Drama: Miss Maine, Broken Crowns, and Cracked Reputations
🔗 NY Post
Side-Eye: The man once known for football strategy now headlines like he’s starring in a Lifetime movie called Fourth & Creepy. Miss Maine lost her crown, Belichick lost his dignity, and somewhere Tom Brady’s just sipping an electrolyte smoothie wondering how this became his coaching tree. This isn’t a May-December romance—it’s a walking PR migraine in UGGs.
🧬 Trump Bans Chinese Baby Food Over DNA Harvesting Concerns
🔗 RedState
Side-Eye: If your toddler’s Gerber peas are doubling as a CCP genetics lab sample, yeah, maybe it’s time to hit pause. Trump says no more Beijing Baby Blend, and the media’s acting like he just canceled Christmas. Sorry, but if we’re importing mystery mush from the same country that gave us TikTok spyware, maybe it’s time to rethink the snack aisle.
And that’s a wrap on this week’s Side-Eye Dispatch—where the headlines are dumb, the spin is dumber, and the only thing we take seriously is calling it out. See you next Friday, unless the news cycle collapses under its own cringe first.
From the home of the brave opinion – see you next round.
