Coldplay Affairs, Cancelled Comedians, and Zohran’s Prison-Free Utopia

Coldplay Affairs, Cancelled Comedians, and Zohran’s Prison-Free Utopia

It’s Friday, which means it’s time to gather around the bonfire of American absurdity and toast a few headlines. Let’s side-eye our way through the latest in clown-world politics, elite drama, and state-sponsored nonsense.

Coldplay, Cuddling, and Corporate Caution Tape

At a Coldplay concert of all places, two top execs from a tech firm called Astronomer got caught on the Kiss Cam—not kissing, mind you, but hugged up so tight you’d think they were trying to merge into one morally bankrupt organism.

I don’t know what is worse.

Getting caught cheating or getting caught at a Coldplay concert.pic.twitter.com/hcAsUlS0fi

— Eric Matheny 🎙️ (@ericmmatheny) July 17, 2025

CEO Andy Byron and HR chief Kristin Cabot, both married to other people, looked mighty cozy while Chris Martin crooned in the background. Now the board of directors is launching a formal investigation, probably because watching their leadership dry-hump in section 108 wasn’t part of the quarterly forecast.

Jon Stewart Hints at Cancellation? Say It Ain’t So, Grandpa!

Jon Stewart is wringing his hands about whether The Daily Show will survive after Stephen Colbert’s sudden axing. Spoiler alert: nobody under 40 is watching either of them unless it’s a clip posted by their millennial cousin on Facebook. Stewart’s faux outrage schtick is older than his cardigan collection. If this is what late-night comedy has become—reheated talking points with a rimshot—it might be time to let the format rest. Or better yet, cancel The Daily Show and replace it with five raccoons fighting over a garbage can. At least that would be honest entertainment.

Zohran Mamdani: Prisons Are Scary, So Let’s Not Have Them

Socialist darling Zohran Mamdani is making waves again, this time because he once questioned the purpose of prisons and jails. Yes, the man who wants to run New York City once pondered aloud why we even bother locking up criminals. According to him, the concept of consequences is a little too oppressive. After all, if we just understood the violent carjacker’s feelings, maybe he wouldn’t have hijacked that Prius. Forget law and order. Zohran’s vision of utopia is a city run by feelings, with a strong scent of pepper spray in the air.

Karen Bass and the ICE Hoax That Wasn’t

Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass just couldn’t resist repeating a viral hoax that claimed ICE forced an illegal immigrant to self-deport. Turns out, the story was about as real as her concern for border security. But don’t let facts get in the way of a good narrative. In Karen’s world, enforcing immigration law is cruel, but spreading fake stories to smear law enforcement is just part of the job. Her office backtracked after being confronted, which means even LA’s spin team realized they’d been caught pants-down.

Trump Tells Bondi: Release the Epstein Testimony

Donald Trump directed Attorney General Pam Bondi to release key grand jury testimony related to the Epstein case. This is either a bold move toward draining the swamp or a chess move meant to keep the narrative in Trump’s corner. Either way, eyes are back on Epstein’s dirty little black book, and that makes a lot of powerful people nervous. If Bondi actually follows through, we might get closer to the truth. But don’t hold your breath—DC has a long track record of keeping the ugliest secrets buried six feet under bureaucracy.

Congress to NPR and PBS: Your Taxpayer Gravy Train Ends Here

In an unexpected moment of clarity, the House passed a rescissions package slashing nine billion dollars in federal funding—including cuts to foreign aid, NPR, and PBS. Somewhere, Big Bird is learning to budget. While the usual suspects cry about the end of civilization as we know it, the rest of America is wondering why we ever paid for this stuff in the first place. If your programming can’t survive without government handouts, maybe it’s time to sell more tote bags or finally give Sesame Street a real job.

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