Side-Eye Friday
The Side-Eye

Side-Eye Friday: Naps, Spies, and Big Macs

by Carol Marks

Another week, another collection of headlines that feel less like real life and more like somebody fed America into an AI chatbot running on Red Bull and unresolved trauma.

This week gave us alleged Iranian spies, congressional candidates with tarot card side hustles, Jack Schlossberg apparently sleeping through campaign meetings, Trump eating McDonald’s in China, and fresh Alex Murdaugh drama because apparently that saga intends to outlive all of us.

So pour the coffee. It’s time for Side-Eye Friday.

Wait… We Have a Former Air Force Intel Officer Accused of Spying for Iran?

This one almost got buried beneath all the usual political circus noise, but excuse me?

The FBI is now offering a $200,000 reward for a former Air Force intelligence agent accused of spying for Iran after allegedly defecting years ago.

I’m sorry, WHAT?

Sometimes I think Americans have become so overstimulated by constant chaos that we barely react to stories that should absolutely stop us in our tracks. An alleged former U.S. intelligence officer tied to Iran sounds like the plot of a Tom Clancy novel, yet most people probably scrolled past it while ordering a brown sugar oat milk shaken espresso.

This story honestly deserves way more attention than it’s getting.

Instead, half the internet is debating celebrity outfits and TikTok recipes.

(Read it here: New York Post FBI-Iran story)

Jack Schlossberg and the Death of Camelot

Speaking of things that feel symbolic of modern America, apparently Jack Schlossberg’s rumored congressional campaign operation involved missed meetings, exhausted staffers, and… naps.

Naps.

Somewhere, John F. Kennedy is staring down from the great beyond wondering how Camelot turned into an emotionally drained group project.

The reports describe staffers fleeing what was allegedly shaping up to be a chaotic congressional run, while Schlossberg supposedly skipped meetings to sleep.

This feels less like a political campaign and more like a Brooklyn startup trying to launch a podcast.

The Kennedy mystique officially collided with Gen Z burnout culture.

(Read it here: New York Post Jack Schlossberg report)

Trump, Xi, and the Most American Diplomatic Detail Ever

Meanwhile over in China, reports revealed that Xi Jinping rolled out elaborate tea service and luxury hospitality while also making sure members of the American delegation had access to McDonald’s.

And somehow that detail is weirdly charming.

You can practically picture Xi thinking:
What does Trump like?
Ah yes. Big Macs.

For all the serious talk about trade negotiations and global power, this part felt oddly human. One world leader trying to host another world leader by making sure familiar comfort food was nearby.

The image of high-level diplomats discussing international economics while somebody reaches into a McDonald’s bag for fries is just peak America.

And frankly, it would have been far stranger if Americans had flown all the way to China and pretended they suddenly wanted cucumber tea sandwiches and tiny decorative salads.

(Read it here: New York Post Trump-Xi McDonald’s story)

Wait… Alex Murdaugh Is Actually Getting Another Trial?

I had to reread that headline twice because I genuinely thought the Alex Murdaugh murder saga was completely over.

Apparently not.

Now comes word that Murdaugh is getting another trial tied to the murder case, which honestly feels shocking after the nonstop media frenzy, documentaries, courtroom coverage, and national obsession that surrounded this story for years.

I think most people assumed the book had closed on all of this.

Then suddenly:
Wait… what happened?
How are we back here again?

This case already felt unbelievable the first time around. Every few months there seemed to be another bizarre twist involving money, power, family tragedy, or courtroom drama. Now somehow there is still another chapter left in this thing.

The entire saga continues to feel less like real life and more like Southern Gothic television that refuses to end.

(Read it here: New York Times Alex Murdaugh update)

Please Don’t Ruin James Bond

And finally, as a lifelong James Bond fan, I would just like to respectfully ask Hollywood not to completely destroy one of the last great escapist franchises left on Earth.

The latest updates about the next Bond film already have fans nervous.

Listen carefully. Amazon, respectfully, don’t get cute with this one.

Bond does not need a deep emotional healing journey.
He does not need to spend half the movie processing childhood feelings.
And he absolutely does not need to become “reimagined for modern audiences.”

Bond needs:

  • a tuxedo,
  • an Aston Martin,
  • a villain with a ridiculous secret lair,
  • and a martini.

That’s it.
That’s the assignment.

I almost felt the need to add “and to be a man” to that list, but surely we have not lost ourselves so completely that it even needs to be said.

Then again, in today’s world, would anyone really be shocked anymore?

And if Hollywood casts a woman or a “trans” Bond, I may have to personally launch a one-woman revolution from my living room couch.

Hollywood, please stop trying to turn every male action hero into a therapy podcast.

(Read it here: Amazon James Bond updates)

Final Side-Eye

This week’s headlines felt like somebody dumped the internet into a blender and hit puree.

We’ve got alleged spies, sleepy political heirs, diplomatic McDonald’s in China, Alex Murdaugh back from the dead again, and James Bond fans already preparing for emotional damage.

Somewhere along the line, the news stopped feeling like real life and started feeling like a group chat nobody can control anymore.

Enjoy your weekend, friends.

And try not to defect to Iran, launch a congressional campaign from a beanbag chair, or turn James Bond into a therapy seminar.

Side-Eye is a weekly dispatch, out on Fridays. Stay tuned for more.

Related Posts

One thought on “Side-Eye Friday: Naps, Spies, and Big Macs”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.